The Right-Wrong Trap

The Right-Wrong mentality in relationships

As experienced couples therapists, me and my lovely team in Chester have witnessed firsthand how the concept of "right" and "wrong" can create deep divisions between partners and in families. We often see couples who come to therapy locked in cycles of conflict, believing that if they could only prove their point or just persuade the other person to adopt their stance (which they wholeheartedly believe is right) their relationship issues would resolve. However, this mindset can be a damaging pattern in a relationship.

When a disagreement arises, our instinctive response is often to defend our position. This is a natural human reaction, but when we rigidly hold onto the belief that one of us is right and the other is wrong, we create a toxic dynamic. This binary thinking leads to power struggles, escalations in conflict, erodes emotional intimacy, and often leaves both partners feeling invalidated and unheard.

At our therapy centre in Chester, many couples express frustration over repeated conflicts that never seem to be resolved. The root of these conflicts is often not the issue itself but the way the disagreement is approached, how it escalates and the hurtful things that are said within the argument that ensues. If both partners are focused on proving themselves "right," there is little room left for genuine understanding and compromise.

Shifting from right-wrong to mutual understanding

Sometimes conflicts or arguments aren’t about a right or a wrong position. They may be more about differences in preferences or opinion, alternative meanings being attached to certain behaviours or interactions, or peoples values. As a wise person once said, nothing is context or value free. The search for understanding and sometimes agreeing that you just have different perspectives is a healthier and happier position to take.

Here are some top tips to step away from the right-wrong trap;

1. Prioritise understanding over winning

Instead of asking, “Who is right?” try asking, “What is my partner experiencing?” This small shift in mindset can transform conflicts from battles into opportunities for deeper connection. In therapy, we explore how this approach fosters empathy and reduces defensiveness.

2. Validate your partner’s feelings

Validation does not mean agreement—it means acknowledging that your partner’s feelings and experiences are real to them. Saying, “I can see why that upset you” rather than “That’s not what happened” helps to build emotional safety and trust. In our therapy rooms and online, we work with couples to develop these essential communication skills that can be a game-changer for relationships.

3. Embrace subjectivity

Remind yourself that in most relationship conflicts, there is no single objective truth. You and your partner may have experienced the same situation differently, and that’s okay. Recognising this can help to reduce the impulse to "correct" each other and instead focus on understanding each others perspective.

4. Use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ accusations

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I talk about something important and don’t get a response.” This small change shifts the focus from blame to an expression of an emotional experience and the ability to find a shared resolution, which is a core principle of healthy communication.

5. Take a pause when discussions get heated

If emotions escalate, agree to take a break. A short pause can prevent reactive statements and allow both partners to return with a calmer mindset. Taking a breath like this isn’t walking away from conflict in a giving up sense, it’s creating a healthy space to reflect and regulate so that you can return to a healthy and helpful conversation. In counselling sessions, we practice techniques to self-regulate emotions and create space for constructive discussions.

6. Seek solutions, not scoring points

Instead of trying to "win" the argument, ask: “What can we do to make this feel ok or work for both of us?” Therapy teaches that compromise does not mean giving up—it means finding a path forward that respects both partners' needs and boundaries.

Final Thoughts

If you find yourself trapped in the right-wrong cycle, remember that relationships thrive on mutual respect and understanding, not competition or winning and losing. Therapy and counselling provide a structured space to break free from unhealthy patterns and develop healthier ways to communicate.

Learning to move beyond the right-wrong trap and towards shared understanding is one of the most powerful transformations you can make. If you feel stuck in this pattern, seeking professional counselling or therapy could be the first step towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

If it sounds like you could be stuck in the right-wrong cycle in your relationship, and you feel like your relationship would benefit from more ideas like this then please reach out to us.

Visit our website www.pathwaystherapeuticservices.co.uk or reach out on help@pathwaysts.co.uk or 01244 256864/ 07557944185